Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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