maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
