using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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