Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Randomize