ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Randomize
