would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Randomize
