I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
