these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
