farters have to be the big spoon...
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
