i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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