he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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