I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize