Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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