life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
he thought i was a dude.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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