12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
