My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
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