Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize