My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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