Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
It doesn't have to be a walk of shame...just pretend he took you to breakfast.
No one shows this much boob at breakfast
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
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