the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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