this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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