My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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