After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Randomize
