I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
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