her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Randomize
