I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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