Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
