Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
oh god was she eating orange peels again
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
