just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
When / where did the additional couches appear?
Additional?
James brought one with him when he showed up. Theres still 2 outside and according to facebook, at least one more burned up.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
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