Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Randomize
