Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
