I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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