when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
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