you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize
