Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
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