I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
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