Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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