I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize