wrigley field is MILF paradise
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
sex in a hospital.. check
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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