I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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