Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Randomize
