dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Is Oprah even human
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
