Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Randomize
