Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Randomize
