She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Randomize
