How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
