You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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