genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
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