using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
