I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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