Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
