I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
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