If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
