She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Randomize
