he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
