Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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