you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
